TL;DR
Get gifts for the two of you delivered free with Prime
- Fast, free delivery on millions of items
- Prime Video, Amazon Music and more included
- Member-only deals all year
A Gottman Institute report uses the story of Phil and Tina to examine how partners can feel lonely when sexual intimacy fades, even while they still love each other. It describes ways to discuss desire and rejection without pressure, while stressing that a refusal must not bring negative consequences.
The Gottman Institute’s report “The Loneliness of Wanting Your Partner” describes how a couple’s six months without sex grew out of a cycle of stress, silence and fear of rejection, despite both partners missing intimacy. The account, drawn from relationship books by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire, focuses on how couples can talk about desire without making sex an obligation.
In the account, Phil had approached Tina with familiar gestures in bed, including kissing the back of her neck and rubbing her stomach. When she did not respond, he eventually stopped trying. “I got tired of the rejection,” he said. He still loved her, but wondered how long their marriage could continue this way. The couple had not had sex in six months.
Tina was dealing with a major reorganization at work and came home exhausted and anxious. She said she did not want to talk to anyone. When Phil touched her, she became tense because she worried he would be hurt unless she responded with immediate enthusiasm. The report says Phil knew about her work strain but had not heard the full extent of what she felt about their sex life.
Their silence left each partner with an incomplete picture: Phil feared he was unwanted, while Tina also missed making love, underscoring the importance of growing alongside your partner. They shared that disconnect in a therapist’s office. After Phil explained why he had stopped initiating, Tina said, “I miss making love, too.” Phil replied, “You never told me that before.”
Talking About Desire Without Pressure
The report’s central point is that less sex does not automatically mean less love, and a partner’s silence may not reveal what they want. Stress, different levels of desire and fear of disappointing a partner can all affect intimacy, according to the examples and guidance presented by the Gottman Institute. Couples may reach different conclusions about what the distance means if they do not discuss it.
The advice also addresses consent directly. John Gottman’s guidance, as quoted in the report, says there should be “no negative consequences” if a partner says no. Sulking or anger can make future approaches feel less safe. A person can decline sex while reassuring their partner of their love or attraction; the partner who wants sex can describe missing intimacy without demanding it.
For readers, the distinction matters: a conversation about feeling rejected is not a request that someone override their own wishes. The report presents communication as a way to understand each other and discuss forms of affection, not as a promise that sex will resume or that both partners will want the same thing.
Popular right now
De'Longhi Rivelia Fully Automatic Espresso Machine with Milk Frother, White
Philips Café Aromis Automatic Espresso Machine with LatteGo Pro Milk System
Dreame G10 Pro Wet and Dry Vacuum Mop
As an affiliate, we earn on qualifying purchases.
How Small Approaches Can Fade
Gottman calls an attempt to connect a “bid.” It can be a question about a difficult day or a gesture such as reaching for a hand; initiating sex can also be a bid. In The Relationship Cure, Gottman describes how an unsuccessful approach may make someone reluctant to try again, including in relationships that are otherwise satisfying.
That reluctance can grow into a pattern: one partner withdraws to protect themselves from rejection, while the other notices fewer approaches or hears a complaint about the distance. In Phil and Tina’s case, neither had clearly explained how lonely they felt. Phil found it easier to stop initiating than to say he feared being unwanted; Tina worried about the pressure to respond when she was already anxious.
The report also draws on The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and What Makes Love Last? It notes that couples may stop having sex and still feel satisfied, while an unaddressed withdrawal can leave partners hurt. The source lists stress, bodily changes and differences in desire among possible circumstances; it does not identify one cause as universal.
““I got tired of the rejection.””
— Phil, as quoted in the Gottman Institute report
What the Couple’s Account Cannot Establish
The report presents Phil and Tina as an illustrative couple, not as evidence that all periods without sex have the same causes or consequences. It does not establish how common the circumstances described are, nor does it provide research data measuring the effect of the suggested conversations.
The account does not say what happened to the couple after the therapist’s session or whether they resumed sex. It also cannot determine what explains a particular couple’s change in intimacy. Stress, physical changes, differences in desire and other circumstances may be relevant, but the source does not diagnose Phil and Tina or offer a single explanation for every relationship.
Questions Before Another Approach
The report suggests that partners discuss what kinds of invitations and affection feel comfortable before another sexual approach. Its adapted questions include: “How would you like me to let you know I want sex?” and “When you are not in the mood, what would help you feel comfortable saying no?” Couples might also discuss how to express a refusal while affirming affection, and which kinds of touch feel welcome when sex is not wanted.
Partners can agree on a clear way to signal a sexual invitation so that neither has to guess. The report also points to spending time touching without expecting intercourse as a possible subject to discuss. The next step it describes is conversation: saying what is missed, listening without treating the answer as a verdict on the relationship, and respecting a no. The source gives no timetable or promised outcome; what happens after that depends on the partners and their circumstances.
Key Questions
What is the report about?
The Gottman Institute report uses Phil and Tina’s story to discuss sexual distance, stress and fear of rejection in a relationship. The couple had not had sex for six months, and each had kept important feelings to themselves.
Why did Phil stop initiating sex?
Phil said he was tired of feeling rejected after Tina did not respond to his familiar gestures of touch. He stopped trying partly to protect himself from further hurt, according to the account.
Did Tina also want intimacy?
Yes. In the therapist’s office, Tina said, “I miss making love, too.” The report says she had been anxious and worried about the pressure to respond enthusiastically, but Phil had not known the full extent of her feelings.
How does the report suggest discussing a refusal?
It recommends making room for a partner to say no without negative consequences. A person can decline sex while reassuring their partner that they are loved or attractive, and both partners can discuss what kinds of affection are welcome.
Does the report say that a sexless period means a relationship is failing?
No. It says some couples stop having sex while remaining satisfied. It cautions that withdrawal can cause hurt when partners do not address it honestly and lovingly, but it does not say that a period without sex has one universal meaning.
Source: gottman.com
