TL;DR
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A Bolde report lists 10 phrases that can unintentionally minimize a grieving person’s loss, from “everything happens for a reason” to “let me know if you need anything.” The article recommends listening without taking over the person’s story, respecting their privacy and offering concrete help instead of asking them to organize it.
Bolde has published guidance on 10 familiar phrases that can make a grieving person feel pressured to explain, minimize or hurry their loss. The report advises people offering comfort to listen, avoid assuming what the bereaved person believes or needs, and make specific offers of practical help.
The examples range from “At least they lived a long life” and “Everything happens for a reason” to “They’re in a better place” and “It’s time to move on.” Bolde’s central point is that these lines may be intended as reassurance but can sound like instructions to look for a silver lining, accept an explanation or stop showing sadness. A person’s loss is not made smaller by the circumstances of the death or by the comfort another person hopes to provide.
The report also cautions against saying “I know exactly how you feel” and then shifting the conversation to one’s own bereavement. It cites psychotherapists Shonda Moralis and Sarah Dinan, who have warned against taking over a grieving person’s story with one’s own. Even when two people have experienced a similar kind of loss, their relationships and grief are not identical.
Other phrases can create pressure or invade privacy. “You’re so strong” may leave someone feeling obliged to keep functioning, while “What happened?” can prompt them to recount painful details they did not choose to share. Bolde also questions the open-ended offer “Let me know if you need anything”: a person overwhelmed by loss may not have the energy to work out what to ask for and whom to ask.
Support That Does Not Add Pressure
The guidance matters because comforting words can shape whether someone feels heard or corrected. A mourner may politely accept a familiar phrase without saying it hurt. That response does not establish that the phrase helped; it may simply reflect the difficulty of challenging someone who means well while coping with a death.
Bolde’s practical alternative is to make clear, manageable offers. Rather than leaving the bereaved person to plan and request help, someone might say they will bring a meal on a particular day or take care of a defined task. The report gives the example of leaving soup on a neighbor’s porch. This approach reduces the work involved in accepting support while leaving room for the person to decline.
The advice does not require a perfect script. It points instead to attention, patience and respect for individual differences. Some people may welcome religious language or want to talk about what happened; others may not. Listening for what the person says and following their lead is less likely to impose an explanation or timetable on their grief.
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Why Familiar Condolences Can Miss
The report frames these expressions as common attempts by people who care about the bereaved. Their problem, it argues, is not necessarily bad intent but the way they can redirect attention away from the person who has died and toward making the grief easier for others to hear. A statement such as “They wouldn’t want you to be sad” can also put words in the deceased person’s mouth and make sadness feel like a failure of loyalty.
Bolde points to a survey finding from bereaved adults in Australia and Ireland: about a third said they did not receive the help they would have liked. The supplied report attributes discussion of that support gap to psychologist Lauren Breen of Curtin University. It does not provide the surveys’ dates, sample sizes or methods, so the figure should be treated as the report’s cited statistic rather than a complete measure of bereavement support.
The article also refers to continuing bonds—ways people maintain a connection with someone who has died, such as talking to them or keeping familiar routines. It presents these behaviors as a reason not to impose a deadline for “moving on.” The supplied source does not identify a particular study or give evidence that every person experiences grief in the same way.
““Each one is kind, and each one is homework.””
— Bolde report
Limits of the Available Evidence
The supplied article is practical guidance, not a reported clinical study. It does not give a publication date, identify the surveys behind the Australia and Ireland statistic, or provide their sample sizes and methods. The figure cannot be assessed fully from the material provided.
Responses to condolence language vary by person, relationship, culture and belief. Bolde acknowledges that some people may find “They’re in a better place” comforting, particularly when it reflects their own faith. The article offers general cautions, not a rule that every person will react the same way or a clinical assessment of grief.
The supplied headline refers to 11 things, but the provided report text includes only 10 numbered phrases before it cuts off. The missing item and any additional ending or recommendations are not available in the source material used here.
Follow the Bereaved Person’s Lead
For anyone offering support now, the report’s practical advice is to listen without demanding details, avoid assigning meaning or a timeline to the loss, and offer a specific task the person can accept or refuse. A brief check-in later may also be more useful than assuming support is no longer needed once funeral arrangements are over.
The source material does not announce a follow-up study, official guidance or other next milestone. What remains useful in each situation is to ask what kind of company or help the grieving person wants, respect their answer and allow the conversation—and the grief—to take its own course.
Key Questions
How many phrases does the supplied Bolde report list?
The provided text contains 10 numbered phrases, although its headline says “11 things.” The source material ends before a possible 11th item appears.
What should I say instead of “Let me know if you need anything”?
Bolde recommends offering specific, practical help, such as bringing a meal on a particular day. That gives the person a clear offer to accept or decline without asking them to plan the support themselves.
Should I share my own experience of grief?
The report cautions against making your own loss the focus. You can briefly acknowledge a similar experience if it helps, then return attention to what the grieving person wants to say rather than assuming you know exactly how they feel.
Is it always wrong to say that the deceased is in a better place?
No single phrase works for everyone. Bolde says such language may comfort someone who shares that belief, but can hurt someone who does not. Follow the bereaved person’s own words and beliefs rather than presuming what will help.
Does the report set a timeline for grief?
No. It advises against telling someone it is time to move on. The supplied material gives no universal timetable and says people may maintain a connection with someone who died through familiar routines or conversation.
Source: bolde.com
